Opera Resolutions...but not the boring,mild ones I just read on Facebook.They never read MAD magazine:
1. Samson-Stop the steroids.Your boobs are bigger than Hedy Lamar's. Grow up and get more Mature.
2. Wotan/Gurnemanz/King Marke- Ask sleeping friends to give you gifts if you can tell your stories in one minute, plus in the case of Tristan, just take a quick-acting dose of arsenic so Isolde does not have to wait 3 hrs.
3. Any Manon- if you sing with Grigolo, tell him that if he screams in your ear at the end, you will make him a castrato.
4. Tosca- make sure in act 2, you kick Scarpia..not your train.They do that only in Zagreb
5. William Tell- if you think the Jemmy is a nasty singer, get Bocelli to shoot the apple.
6. The 8 Walkyries before your sister runs in- just lipsynch to Angela Gheorghiu;it's quieter that way.
7. Arturo (Puritani)- audition tenors who wish to sing you, making sure they can F like Larry Brownlee or Eric Owens.
8. Macbeth- if any tenor tries to sing you, don't make his life peaceful.
9. Rigoletto- I don't care if Herheim tells you to hump Gilda..just lay off girls.....unless the Giovanna looks like Netrebko.
10. Queen of the Night- stick to your F's and stop watching Richard Simmons' shows.
11. Don Giovanni-if it lasts more than 14 hrs., go see Dulcamara.
12. Azucena- marry a good fireman.
13. Simpleton- Run on a third party. You can beat Trump and the rest of them.
14. Klytaemnestra- Join Facebook. We need at least one normal person.
15. Salome- Aw..grow up and use your head.
16. Tosca Shepherd.-if you want to sing Mario some day, ask A-Rod for some good stuff.
17. Violetta- Stay out of the Met.We have enough coughers, and that is Too Bad (TB)
18. Octavian-better see a therapist to find out what gender you prefer ("Why is that lady singing a man,dressing like a lady?")
19. Gutrune- You are really a nice girl.Don't believe Anna Russell when she calls you a Gibitch.
20. Lousy Manrico- Groucho,Harpo, and Chico will replace you with Michael Fabiano.
I am sure you can add others, unless you are off the same drugs I take.
Carlo Pazzo, nel giardino
Category:
general
-- posted at: 11:24am EDT